There is a riddle on the Internet that goes like this: You are out in the wild alone with a rifle and one bullet. You are surrounded by a lion, a bear and a jaguar. There is no chance of running, hiding or climbing a tree. How do you escape? Answer: Shoot the lion, drink the bear and drive away in the jaguar.
The person who came up with this riddle is probably the same person who drafted Blaine Gabbert.
The Chicago Bears ate the Jacksonville Jaguars, 41-3, at Everbank Stadium on Sunday in a game that was more one-sided than a Michael Moore documentary.
This game was actually tied at halftime, 3-3. And Herman Cain was actually once the Republican frontrunner. But in the second half the truth came out and the Bears looked like a Doberman licking up ants. The 30-minute slaughter was led, as always, by Chicago’s defense as, for the second straight week, cornerback Charles Tillman and linebacker Lance Briggs each returned an interception for a touchdown becoming the first teammates in NFL history to perform such a nifty trick.
Charles Tillman has a tattoo that reads “I’m Charles Tillman.” Blaine Gabbert has a tattoo that reads: “He’s Charles Tillman.”
The Meateaters of the Midway also got some offense from their actual offense as well with Jay Cutler throwing a 10-yard touchdown pass to Alshon Jeffery and a 24-yard score to Brandon Marshall who caught 12 passes on the day for 144 yards and loves Chicago more than Danny DeVito ever loved Rhea Perlman.
Leading 34-3 in the final minutes, the Bears tried to show mercy toward the Jaguars and their 11 fans still left of the 67 they started the game with by handing the ball off to Armando Allen. What did Mr. Allen do? He bashfully galloped 46 yards for a touchdown and then donated $10 to “Save the Jaguars.”
When Armando Allen scores a touchdown against you it’s like being turned down for a date by the ghost of Margaret Dumont.
The Bears compiled 501 yards of offense. Matt Forte ran for 107 yards. Dane Sanzenbacher spelled his own name correctly. On the first try.
The Bears’ defense is officially ranked sixth in the NFL, allowing 291.2 yards per game. But the Bears have only allowed 71 points this season, which is third in the league and the defense has scored five touchdowns, all of them during their three-game winning streak. Bears defensive coordinator Rod Marinelli’s game plan involves metaphors of luring old people into an alley and then bonking them on the head with a bag of marbles.
The Bears are now 4-1, in first place, and are entering their bye week during which they will likely score only one defensive touchdown. Next up is a Monday night date back home at Soldier Field against the Detroit Lions who were supposed to be good but are 1-3 and confess to following Adele on Twitter.
The Bears need the week off before facing Detroit because Chicago’s defense, while super-duper-awesome, is also older than Jay Leno’s jokes and the offense still needs fine tuning, and perhaps a temporary replacement for Alshon Jeffery who broke a bone in his right hand. Still, it’s tough to take a break when you’re playing so well. Maybe the Bears will spend next weekend at a museum. Or the opera. Maybe they’ll pick flowers or bake cookies for Mason Crosby.
In any event they should enjoy the 4-1 spotlight. Super Bowls aren’t won in October but, wait a minute…let’s pretend they are.