August 27, 2014

Bears 51, Titans 20: Charles Tillman Is Speed Racer, Spider-Man, Moses, Fonzie and Every Gangster’s Best Friend

The Chicago Bears assaulted the Tennessee Titans physically, verbally, emotionally, spiritually and numerically in Nashville on Sunday, winning by a score of 51-20 in a game that was more one-sided than an MSNBC editorial meeting.

This NC-17 slaughter disguised as a football game allowed the Bears to improve to 7-1 and sent another blood-stained note to the rest of the NFL that Lovie Smith’s gang of 53 is relentless, fast, crafty and cruel.  Sort of like a chain-smoking mother-in-law.

The Bears led 28-2 after the first quarter and 31-5 at halftime.  Those are weird scores and also, respectively, Nashville’s ratio of residents to full sets of teeth and the odds that Kenny Britt still follows Charles Tillman on Twitter.

Tillman, the Bears cornerback and first in line to write the screenplay for the next “Star Wars” movie, forced four fumbles in this one, backing up the lesson we learned in Sunday school that punching is usually the best way to get what you want.

What the Bears want is the football.  Always.  And Goodell have mercy on those offensive sorts who try to keep the Marauders of the Midway from taking it.  The Bears forced five more turnovers in all in this game including a 46-yard interception return for a score by Brian Urlacher as part of Chicago’s blitzkrieg 28-point first quarter.  Urlacher was so happy and tired after his touchdown he looked like William Shatner at a carwash on Ladies Day.

The Bears scored their first touchdown of the game on a blocked punt.

Jay Cutler threw three touchdown passes to Brandon Marshall.

Matt Forte scored on an eight-yard touchdown run.

George Blanda scored on a dropkick.

The 51-point total is the most by the Bears since a 61-7 shovel to the throat against the Green Bay Packers in 1980, back when Jimmy Carter was President and Tennessee still had dinosaurs.  Oh wait a minute, there were no dinosaurs.

The 51 points by the Bears matches the jersey number of Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus who craps bigger than Matt Hasselbeck.  The Bears have had entire seasons in which they didn’t score 51 points.

The Bears are 7-1 at the season’s midway point for several reasons:  Their defense is spectacular, Charles Tillman is the best football player on the planet, Brandon Marshall can catch a neutrino in a rainstorm, and they have had an easy schedule.

Now it’s time for the grownups.  On both sides of the ball.  Despite a 7-1 record and Super Bowl sugarplums dancing in their heads, the Bears know their offense is still not great and has yet to put together a complete game.  The Titans put that weird number 2 on the scoreboard when Bears offensive tackle J’Marcus Webb was called for a penalty in the endzone.  D’oh!  Cutler is good but not polished yet, the same with the offensive line.  Forte is great, so is Marshall, but the Bears desperately need the return of receiver Alshon Jeffery from a broken hand to give Cutler another target, Forte some breathing room and inspiration to the millions of little boys named Alshon.

It’s time because now the Houston Texans – the best team in football –  come to Soldier Field for a Sunday night showdown that could be a Super Bowl preview or could be a wet spaghetti noodle across Lovie Smith’s face.  After Houston, the Bears travel to San Francisco to tangle with the 6-2 49ers followed by alley fights with the Vikings, Seahawks, Vikings again and then the Packers.  Not a Titan, Jaguar or Panther among them.

The Bears should survive the second half, just like most of us endured the final season of “MASH.”  But it won’t always be funny.  No matter what happens, though, we’ll always recall a sunny day in Tennessee when the Bears were Rutger Hauer, the Titans were Jonah Hill, the scoreboard was on fire and Charles Tillman swung a fist that could fracture the moon, shake the world and foster belief

It was fun.  It was pinball.  It was Coca-Cola in a glass bottle.  It was a kid with a piece of chalk writing “Great American Moments” on the sidewalk right before it rains.

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