December 14, 2017

Alabama 21, LSU 0

When the two most prominent players in a football game are a punter and a kicker you know you should have spent the night watching hockey.

All credit should go to Alabama, a team that plays defense tighter than a North Korean nanny and all the blame goes to LSU, a team that plays offense like the French play defense, but did we really wait a month for this?  And what did “Coach of the Year” Les Miles spend the last month doing?  Figuring out different ways not to run, pass or appear even remotely threatening?

Hang on, LSU just had another three-and-out. (Don’t worry, it never takes long)

LSU compiled 92 yards of total offense.  Boise State can fart 92 yards of offense.  LSU’s time of possession was 24:34, which was even shorter than Kim Kardashian’s marriage.

Has Les Miles ever heard of an end-around, flea-flicker, halfback pass, forward pass or backup quarterback?  Is Nick Saban so good a coach that when having a talented team, a month to prepare, and a kicker who connects on 80% of his attempts he can beat the top-ranked team in the country?  Apparently so.

Alabama is so good it won the BCS Championship Game with a top scorer named Shelley and a top receiver named Smelley.

The Honey Badger looked more like the Useless Beaver.

The SEC has now won six straight national championships.  Every other conference is the 99% and not even an “Occupy Dixie” movement will give the Big Tens, Pac 12s, Notre Dames and St. Louis Rams of the world a chance at sharing the football wealth.

The BCS bigwigs are scheduled to meet on Tuesday (probably at Les’ house) to discuss ideas for improving the way the national championship is decided.  Before Monday night’s game in New Orleans, LSU could have planned to walk into that meeting saying it’s unfair that the Tigers were in position to finish the season with more wins than Alabama and a 1-1 record against the Crimson Tide yet not be voted the national champs.  But after Monday night’s malaise, LSU’s only argument is that the next time it plays Alabama the TV cameras should not be allowed to show Jordan Jefferson from the waist up.

The only change that needs to be made to the BCS is that the system currently actually considers giving teams from blue states serious consideration.

The BCS says “everything imaginable will be discussed” regarding improving college football’s postseason which means we’re certainly moving closer to either some type of playoff or annexation of the AFC West.

There is no way the NCAA will allow a diminution of the 35 bowl games played this season even if half of those games were played in half-empty stadiums.  College football is a cash cow for schools, coaches and ESPN (but God forbid a player hock a ring for a tattoo) and any tweaks to the system will start with maintaining a paradigm in which 6-6 Illinois and 6-7 UCLA get to meet in the Kraft Hunger Bowl.

So, that means in the future we’ll probably see the current bowl season followed by some type of mini-playoff in which the top four or eight teams in the nation, based in part on bowl game performance, will square off to decide the champion.

That mini-playoff will bear a striking resemblance to the SEC regular season.

Want to make college football’s championship chase more exciting and equitable?  Make all SEC teams play without facemasks.  Play the title game not under a dome but at Lambeau Field.  Demand that the games be broadcast in a format so that TV viewers can still hear the stadium noise yet can turn off the announcers, or at least Brent Musburger.

To dream, to dream.

Congratulations to the Alabama Crimson Tide and a pat on the back to LSU.  They were the two best teams in the country and deserved their night in the spotlight and ‘Bama deserves once again to be called the greatest team in the land and likely the best program in the history of college football.  It was a bad game but sometimes even excellence looks a little ugly.  And in Alabama, a state still recovering from deadly tornadoes last spring, and in Louisiana, which is still in the struggling aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, excellence, joy and passion are likely welcome in any form.  Football can’t make real life less painful, but it can make people forget about it for a while.